Time Is Of The Essence

We are almost to the finish line of meeting our newest addition; our son. Yesterday I realized that we are already halfway through March, and April will be the last month of me being a mommy of 1. I am starting to mourn my only baby being my only baby; but I am so elated and excited to give her a playmate for life.

I’ve been taking my daughter on lots of adventures and dates lately; because I know when her baby brother arrives, things will change, and it’ll be a while before we go on an adventure or date together with just us 2. So I’ve been making sure that I absorb every minute with her that I possibly can.

Olivia and I spend a lot of one on one time together. She even takes my hand and guides me to her room to play and read books without distractions. In moments like these, I take the time to see how much she’s growing, how much she’s developing, and how independent she is. Then guilt sets in, and worry. What if my daughter wants my hand, but I can’t give it to her because I’m preoccupied with her baby brother? The thought of me not being able to follow her makes me sad, but I remind myself that it’s temporary; and not long after her brother is here we will have more girl time.

Last week I took Olivia to a farm where she got to meet and play with lots of animals (goats, lambs, pigs, chickens). We always go to the zoo together, but this was the first time she’s been to a petting farm. Other than the goats, the baby lamb was her favorite. We learned from the farmer that the baby lamb was only 8 days old. I watched Olivia sit next to the lamb (which lasted for 10 minutes); she was so intrigued by her softness and calmness (unlike her dogs at home). I realized she was acting different with this animal. She was acting more delicate, more calm, and nurturing. And then it dawned on me; Olivia knew the lamb was a baby, and to be gentle. I instantly smiled ear to ear when I discovered her natural instincts kick in. I also felt relief and comfort knowing that she will treat her brother with care and love just like she was with the baby lamb.

I hear that it’s normal for a mother to fear and worry about adding more children to the family. Time will be divided, attention will be divided, multitasking is more difficult, schedules are all over the place, chores get left undone; it’s all a new adjustment which causes fear and worry in a mother. One thing I do hear though, is that my heart will grow with two kids. I look at Olivia and I can’t even fathom loving someone else as much as I love her; but it does happen. Lots of mothers have told me that they have all felt the same things I feel, and as soon as the baby is born, all of the fears, worries, and doubts wash away; and that I’ll instantly feel love. I cry at the thought of me meeting my son. With Olivia I was in such amazement, and felt so much love for her, that I just cried. I can’t wait to feel that when I meet my son. To have him in my arms, see his handsome face, and tell him that momma is here.

I’ve been showing Olivia my big, round belly a lot more lately; she even lifts up my shirt to see my belly too. I tell her “say hi to your brother”, “say I can’t wait to play with you”. If he’s kicking, I’ll put her hand where he is moving, and she laughs. As we play with my belly, I tell her stories of how she will teach him what she knows, play with him, help mommy care for him, that they will play sports together, comfort each other, and grow together. I know she understands because she smiles when I tell her the stories of how her life will change, and how awesome it’ll be to be a big sister.

I have gotten better at mentally and emotionally preparing myself to be a mommy of two kids. I realized that in the beginning, it’ll be a new adjustment between raising a toddler and caring for a newborn baby. I keep telling myself to not put so much pressure on myself, take it easy, go with the flow, and relax. I haven’t set up his room yet (I’m waiting until after the baby shower to fully start nesting). But there is this one thing, one terrifying thing that I can’t shake out of my head; and that, my fellow readers, is leaving my daughter behind while I give birth.

Even though I’m excited to meet and give birth to my son, I’m dreading the moment my water breaks. I live in fear of that moment. Because in that moment, Olivia won’t be the only one. In that moment, our lives will forever change. In that moment, I won’t know how to be a mother of two. In that moment, my heart will be making extra room. And in that moment, I’ll be leaving my daughter behind. That moment will be my “goodbye” to my daughter. That moment will be my “I’ll forever love you no matter what”. That moment will be my “you’ll always be my first baby”. That moment will be my “you’ll always be my first love”. That moment will be my “you’ll always be the one who forever changed my entire life”.

I’m hoping that my water breaks in the morning like it did with my daughter, that way she can spend some time with us in the hospital. If my water breaks at night, she will just arrive at the hospital while I’m in labor; but she won’t stay for long. She will arrive the day after I give birth to meet her baby brother.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to leave the one thing I love behind? How am I going to be in the hospital without her by my side? She’s always by my side. We are best friends, we are mother and daughter. My fear is that once my son is born, all I will be thinking about is how much I miss and want my daughter with me. I know for a fact that when my water breaks, tears will flow out of my eyes like Niagra Falls. I’m ready to meet my son. I’m ready to give birth. I’m ready to give my daughter a best friend, and playmate for life. I’m ready to experience a whole new motherhood journey. I’m just not ready to leave her behind.

My daughter is growing by the minute. She’s becoming more independent, more opinionated, more verbal (as if that’s even possible), more picky, and she’s adding a bit more sparkle to her diva ways. She is blossoming like a flower every day. She loves the outdoors, and she’s become quite the daredevil. Even though pregnancy is now hard on my body (32 weeks along), I push myself to take my daughter anywhere and everywhere. I know that I will never get these days and moments back. So I am doing all that I can to make as much memories while it’s still just us two. Olivia loves anything that is water, and anything that has fur and fluff. She helps more around the house all on her own. From putting her toys away, to helping me unload the dishwasher. She loves playing with other kids. She loves to read and play with bubbles. She loves all kinds of music. She is just becoming her own little woman.

I know I say this on just about every blog post that I write; but Olivia is my life. She’s my entire existence. She’s the reason that I was born. She has shown me what it is like to live and appreciate life. In the beginning it was rocky. I suffered PPD/PPA, and I questioned whether or not life was worth living anymore. I questioned me as a wife and mother. I wanted my husband to meet someone better than me. I wanted my daughter to have a better mother. I didn’t want to carry on. But somehow, one morning, I woke up; and it was all over. That morning I looked at Olivia, and her eyes lit up, she smiled, and she giggled and ran over to me, and I picked her up and hugged her ever so tight. It was as if she knew that her momma was back, and that I wasn’t ever going to leave again. Olivia saved me from the darkest and lowest point of my life.

Not long after, my husband and I found out we were pregnant again. I looked at Olivia when the test said “yes”, and I cried. I cried in happiness. We were already a family of three who have been through a lot of trials. And now we were welcoming another member into the family. Our family changed forever that evening that I found out that we were pregnant. I picked Olivia up with a smile, and tears in my eyes. She has been our whole heart for almost a year (at the time, now almost 2 years). We made room in our hearts for Olivia to grow and be loved. I didn’t think there would be enough room in my heart for another. Olivia consumed every space. My husband then came over to hug us both. I felt happy. I felt complete. I felt relieved. I was a mom. I then knew that with time, that we could all make room in our hearts for just one more. And that it would all fall into place, and be okay. ❤️

Sorry I’m late; I’m a Mom

I’m here to talk about why moms run late.

We try, we really do try to be on time. Whether it be for a Dr appointment, a party, a get together with friends with or without kids; we try. Regardless of how much we prepare the day before, or hours before we’re supposed to be somewhere, something always happens. Yes, we do plan for these things to happen; but sometimes it takes longer than usual.

Parenting is all about rolling with the punches. It’s all about accepting the mishaps, the derailing, and the unexpected.

I’m a punctual freak. I always arrive 10-15 minutes before the scheduled time. Well, that was before I became a mother. Now that I am a mother, I am still a punctual freak. When I run behind, my anxiety spikes, and I get upset. I hate being late for anything. Now that I am a mother, I have learned and accepted that I won’t always be on time. I’ve learned to go easy on myself when I am running late to meet a friend, or a Dr appointment.

I’m a very organized person. Olivia’s diaper bag is always packed for everything that I will need. Every night, I make sure I replenish everything I had used that day. I do this so that when we have something to do the following day, her diaper bag is ready to go, and I don’t have to worry about it. If I know that we will be out for a while, I even pack a lunchbox of snacks and drinks. I set it in the refrigerator overnight. Again, I do this so that it’s one less thing to worry about the next morning.

When Olivia wakes up, I change her diaper, and I let her play while I cook us some delicious breakfast with some fruits. While she is eating breakfast, I take this time to get dressed, put on some makeup, and load everything I need in the car (diaper bag, stroller, toys, etc.). After she is done eating, I wash her face and hands, brush her teeth, and get her dressed for the day.

Usually we have an hour before we need to leave. So I use this time to take her for a nice morning walk, read books, do puzzles, anything to entertain her before a drive. If I am supposed to be somewhere for 12pm, I plan to leave at 10:45am. That way I have time to buckle her into her car seat, put the dogs away, and close up the house.

However, sometimes, the day doesn’t go according to plan.

Children are NOT robots. They don’t just eat, sleep, and play. They have their moments where they get cranky, they get hungry again (how?!? We just ate!), they have a blowout, they want to keep playing, and whatever else a child needs or does (rolls eyes). And this throws off our entire schedule.

Us mothers know our kids down to the T! We know “okay if she wakes up at 8:30, she will want to nap at 10:30. So wherever I am going needs to be for 12pm so that my daughter can take a nap on the way”, “okay my daughter takes this long to eat, and she’s probably going to want a snack afterwards, so I should…”, whatever it may be, we know it!!! We revolve our entire day around their schedule, what their mood will be like at X time, we plan for it all!

It’s not easy on us to run late, and please forgive us if we do. We aren’t doing it intentionally. Believe me, we want to be out of the house, we want to meet you for lunch, we want to make that Dr appointment to avoid a $25 no show fee, we want to do what we said we were going to do; and we want to be on time.

Sometimes Olivia poops 4 times in the morning! Trust me, I can’t believe it either. But it does happen where a child doesn’t stop pooping! And if your child is anything like mine, they hate constant diaper changes, and they fight you the entire time; making the diaper changes take longer (insert another eye roll).

Sometimes we have to give them a morning bath depending on how messy they got from breakfast, or a messy diaper.

Sometimes, our children don’t want to get dressed; so we are constantly chasing them around the house.

Sometimes, our kids don’t want the food we prepared for them. So we have to figure out what else to cook for them. And sometimes we cook 5 different things before they’re happy!

Sometimes they get into the cat food and water bowl, and we gotta clean it up.

Sometimes they eat a lizard (thankfully this hasn’t happened to me yet).

Lets just say, a lot of things happen that we don’t plan for, or expect to happen. But that’s part of being a parent. And part of being a parent is running late on occasion.

Whenever I know that I am going to run late, I always text/call whomever I was supposed to meet to give them a heads up. Thankfully everyone I know is very understanding, and they never blame me or get sick of me telling them that I ran behind.

Whether you have kids, or don’t have kids, please understand where we are coming from. In just 2 hours since we’ve been awake, we’ve cleaned up more messes, cooked more meals, changed more diapers, repeatedly stubbed our toe, managed to calm down numerous tantrums, clean up more scraped knees, than a person does in just 1 day or 1 week’s time. All we ask is for someone to cut us some slack in this area of our lives. We are already under so much pressure, just empathize with your fellow mommy friend.

We really are doing the best we can.

We are sorry that we can’t always arrive on time; but we are moms with non robotic children who occasionally derail our schedule.

We’re sorry for running late. But we will never be sorry for being a mom.

The Benefit of Preparing Meals

What is the one thing us moms strive for, or always make sure of?

We strive for organization, and make sure we are always prepared.

We are prepared for the tantrums, the boo boos, the growth spurts, the teething. We make sure our diaper bags have every essential item that a baby/toddler needs.

I’ll tell you, my diaper bag weighs no less than 10lbs. I have it all in there, and more. I make sure I am well prepared for anything that can happen throughout the day. I even have moms ask me if they can have something of mine because they didn’t bring it themselves.

I also strive for organization in my household. But let’s be honest, with toddlers, the house gets blown through like a tornado. So there’s only so much organization you can do.

So, we are prepared with our diaper bags. We are organized at home, we know where every toy is, where we keep the Neosporin, and we even have child locks on the toilets.

But we tend to forget one crucial thing. It’s the thing we do all day, use all day, and never stop thinking about.

And that’s food.

As a stay at home mom, I can easily get sidetracked during the day. Whether it’s keeping up with the house, or going on long lasting adventures with my daughter. By the time dinner comes around; I’m stumped.

I always pack Olivia a lunch and snacks for when we go out. But when we would get home, I’d be scrambling trying to find us something to eat.

As I would make dinner, Olivia would get hungry; as any growing kid does. So I would give her a snack (fruit, fig newtons, crackers…), and by the time I was finished with dinner, she wouldn’t be hungry. This would often leave me frustrated. Not with my daughter, but with myself. I know had I prepared better for my day, this wouldn’t happen.

One day I was preparing dinner, it was 12pm, and I was rolling ground beef into meatballs. After I was done, I realized how many meatballs I had made (had to be 80!). It got me thinking “no way are we going to eat all of these meatballs”. So what was I going to do with the rest? Surely not waste them.

Growing up, my mother always froze meatballs, sauce, you name it. As I remembered this, it dawned on me why she did it all of those years. It was because she wanted to be prepared/organized, and not have to worry about what her family was going to eat for dinner.

After the load of meatballs got out of the oven, I put half in a freezer bag. I figured if all I had to do was cook sauce for 15 minutes the next time we were going to eat spaghetti and meatballs, rather than making meatballs for an hour on top of the sauce, then it was all fair game.

A few weeks later, I wanted to make spaghetti and meatballs again for dinner. My daughter and I were walking around the block watching airplanes fly over our heads. I dreaded cooking dinner knowing the meatballs were going to be a hassle to make. But then I remembered I froze some! And I realized all I had to do was go home, put sauce together, and throw the meatballs in the sauce to thaw! I felt instant relief.

When we got home, I made sauce, and threw the meatballs in the pot to thaw and get juicy. While this simmered on low, I was giving my daughter a bath, and we were having fun. By the time her bath was over, dinner was ready. All in just 15 minutes time!

I realized this was the way to avoid hassles, and stumps over dinner. So I continued to freeze meals. There isn’t much to it, you make it, and freeze it!

I started with lasagna. I made lasagna how I would if we were eating that night. I made the bolognese sauce, boiled the noodles, made the ricotta cheese mixture, and placed it all in a deep tin dish. Instead of throwing it in the oven, I wrapped foil over the top, wrote the date prepared, and placed it into the freezer. A few days later, all it took was 45 minutes, rather than 1hr 45mins to have dinner made.

Same with enchiladas! I made the sauce, the fillings, wrapped it up, froze it. It took 30 minutes to cook, and only 5 minutes of topping them off with toppings when we decided to eat them for dinner.

Anything can be frozen. And it’s so convenient!

Why buy frozen Chinese, Italian, Mexican, etc., when you can make it yourself, freeze it, and know what’s going into it?

As moms we are always on the go, or being pulled in every direction. So why not make your life easier by just preparing for the things that take the most time?

Find a day where you have an extra set of hands. I usually prep on Sundays because my husband is home, and this is laundry day. I figured if I’m doing chores on a set day, why not prep on a set day too?

Now, prepping does take time. And depending on what you’re making, it can take a while. However you save so much time throughout your week. You can have fun with your kids, catch up on chores around the house, errands, whatever it may be.

You don’t have to prep a meal for every night of the week. I prep no less than 2. I figured there would be leftovers to eat the following day; but I prepare no more than 3. I usually start when the evening is approaching, and we are settling in for the night. So I give myself at least 2 hours to prepare dinners for the week ahead.

You can even do this for breakfast and lunches, but I find dinners more of a burden after a long and exhausting day. So I like to have those prepared over anything else.

Now, do I do this every single week? No, I’m not perfect; and life with my family does happen. However the weeks I don’t prepare meals, I definitely feel more exhausted, annoyed, stumped, and usually just cooking the same thing because it’s the quickest. And usually as I am cooking, my daughter wants to play or read; but of course I can’t because I’m trying to feed the family. I knew that wasn’t fair to her. So I try my very hardest to always prepare dinners on Sundays for the week.

Preparing meals is one less thing to worry about as a parent. So why not take advantage of that? Start by putting an alert on your calendar for whatever day works best for you. That way you’re less likely to forget. I have 2 alarms. 1 for grocery shopping every 2 weeks (yes I have an alarm for this), and 1 for preparing meals every Sunday. The key is to stay as organized as possible, so that you are better prepared for your responsibilities as a parent.

Find what works for you, put it in your calendar, stay disciplined, and take action. Life as a mother and housewife is so much easier now that I do this. On top of everything else I have to do on a daily basis, this is one less thing I have to worry about. I no longer have to “rush home to make dinner” because I know it’ll be ready in under 30 minutes. This leaves me enjoying the day with my daughter, my friends, and my family.

Balancing Pregnancy & A Toddler

Pregnancy is beautiful, but it’s no walk in the park.

Every day your body is constantly changing, growing, and getting more complicated.

Breathing is hard, walking can be painful, bending over makes you nauseous, always tired, feeling heavier by the day, and let’s not forget the endless potty breaks!

But how do you balance all of this while raising a toddler?

At first it’ll be hard during the 1st trimester as your body is adjusting to pregnancy. You’ll feel too tired to make breakfast, make lunch or dinner, so you settle on feeding your child the easiest thing; even if it means having a pop tart for dinner. You’ll feel too tired or nauseated to play with your child, leaving you feeling guilty for not giving them enough time. The list goes on.

But it’s not your fault. You’re making a little human in your belly. So cut yourself some slack. Soon enough you’ll feel like your old self.

The 2nd trimester is usually the easiest for most. The symptoms have subsided, you feel more energized, and you feel more adjusted to your pregnancy. Sure, your appetite has escalated, but that’s ok.

I’ve also learned that keeping the house cleaned and organized isn’t priority, and that chores can always wait. Sometimes grocery shopping seems exhausting and dreadful to do alone; so I’ll wait for my husband to come home so that he’s there to help me with the heavy bags. However most of the time, I suck it up and do it myself.

Now that you have your energy back, use this time to teach your toddler what is going on.

With Olivia, I’m always involving her. Whether it be having her help me around the house, having her hand me her diaper, having her let the dogs outside, and so on.

Instead of saying “good job” after she does something for me. I now say “good job! You’re going to be such a great big sister/mommy’s helper”. I already incorporate her little brother into conversations. I do this so that she warms up to the new change, and understands that she’s getting a sibling.

Before I change her diaper, I ask her to grab a diaper. When she brings one to me, I praise her and say “you’re going to be awesome at handing mommy your little brother’s diapers!”.

I feel as though this is important. Not only does it let them know that they’re getting a sibling, but it’s also instilling responsibility. Even though Olivia is young (16 months), I know she understands. And the older she gets, the more she’ll grasp how mommy will be needing her help.

I love showing Olivia my belly. She’s always lifting up my shirt and looking under it. She’ll even put her hand over my belly button. When she does this I tell her “baby brother is in there, say hi!”. I’ll even tell her how she was once inside my belly, and now she’s here! When we sit in the couch and watch a movie, she rests her head on my belly. I tell her how much fun her and her little brother will have as I comb my fingers through her hair. I only talk positive. I talk about how much fun we will all have, how great she’ll be, and how she will teach him everything she knows. She looks deep into my eyes when we talk about baby brother, so I know she understands me to some extent.

It’s very important that you treat your kids as individuals. Even though I praise Olivia and incorporate her brother into the praising, I don’t do it every time. I mostly say “you’re mommy’s awesome helper”. Even though we have our talks about baby brother, we mostly talk about all of the things we learned during the day, how proud I am of her for helping mommy around the house, and so on.

Olivia and I do lots of things together. I’m a stay at home mom, so I’m always making sure we get out of the house and go on adventures.

As we go for walks, I show her the trees, we watch the clouds, and we listen to the animals. Olivia’s favorite place to go is the zoo. She loves looking at all of the animals, and I love teaching her the sounds they make. Watching her learn, and seeing her mind absorb new knowledge is so rewarding. I’m always telling her how smart she is, and how she will be the best teacher to her baby brother.

Olivia also likes getting food with mommy. We love going to cafes and new restaurants together. She just learned how to use crayons properly, so as we wait for food we always color together. I teach her colors and shapes, and she loves coloring all over the paper as she laughs in amazement over her new experience.

I’ve learned to treasure these little moments. After the baby is here, I know it’ll be hard to go out one on one with Olivia for the first 2-3 months since the baby will be very dependent on me. And I teach her that. I reassure her that mommy loves her, but when after baby brother is here, time will be shared for a little bit, and we might not always make it out of the house (even though my goal is to keep everything the same). I tell her that we will still have fun, and that after baby adjusts to his new home, that we will go on adventures again. I know she doesn’t understand everything I say, but when I do tell her these things, she looks at me and smiles. And as a mother, I know she understands a little bit.

As you get further and further along in your pregnancy, you’ll find yourself getting winded a lot quicker. Your hands and feet will start to swell, and you’ll just feel so heavy that you just don’t want to move.

It’s okay. I’ve learned to ask for as much help as possible. With Olivia, I tried to be supermom; a stubborn one at that. This time around, I’m still supermom, but one who asks for help.

My husband works from 6am-6pm. He’s a very dedicated, driven, workaholic. Sometimes he doesn’t get home until 8pm, and by then Olivia is getting ready for bed. Sometimes he’ll take calls on the weekends. And even though sometimes it can bother me how much he works, I know he’s doing it so that we have the best. I basically consider myself a single mom Monday-Friday. There once was a week where my husband didn’t see Olivia for 3 days because he kept getting home late from work. I was extremely exhausted that week since I had little help due to him being away. But as a wife, we have to stand by our husbands and trust that what they are doing is best for the family.

Communication is key. Although my husband works a lot, I communicate how I need help when he gets home. I use to feel guilty doing this because he worked all day and deserved to relax. But let’s be real, stay at home moms work just as hard, and we are just as tired; especially us pregnant stay at home moms!

But please, don’t nag. Your spouse is doing his/her best to provide. Start the conversation by saying “I know you work all day and are exhausted when you get home, but do you mind….”. Starting the conversation with understanding and reassurance let’s your spouse know that you know how hard they work, and how appreciative you are.

When my husband comes home, I don’t ask him to help for at least 30 minutes to an hour; because he does deserve that time to settle in. However when the night is slowing down, I’ll kindly ask him to help with the trash, the toys, or giving Olivia a bath. I don’t ask of him too much; but the smallest thing goes a really long way.

On the weekends my husband is more hands on; cleaning, changing diapers, cooking, etc. because he has the free time. He’ll ask me things I need, if I’m hungry, whatever it may be. I appreciate him not only on weekdays, but even more so on the weekends. When we go out as a family on weekends, he takes charge in putting Olivia in and taking her out of her car seat, the diaper changes, you name it. Even though he works a lot, I couldn’t ask for a better partner to do this parenting with.

Asking for help, communication, enjoying little moments, talking about the new addition, teaching your toddler to help will make your pregnancy easier on you. Also, take time for yourself. Step away and go get pampered, go out with a friend without your toddler (of course have a sitter watch him/her), and just relax. Pregnancy is hard. But being pregnant with a toddler is harder. Sometimes I can’t even think about being pregnant or the things I need to get for my son because I’m so wrapped up in Olivia. But it’s important to take a step back and get that alone time. Soon enough I’ll be asking my husband to watch Olivia for an hour while I go shop for the baby. Regardless of how many times you’ve been pregnant, shopping and nesting for the new baby is always exciting.

I feel more relaxed this pregnancy; mentally anyway. I know what to expect and what it will be like. So the sense of panic doesn’t even exist. I’m a mom, I’ve been doing this for 16 months now. I am not stressing or panicking about what to do, how to do it, and so on. I think most of us are like that. The only thing I’m more scared of than ever this time around, is the birth. People ask me why. I tell them it’s because I now know what it’ll be like, how hard it is, and how hard recovery is. I try not to think about it too much. But the thought of recovering with a toddler, and possibly not being able to play with her for a while, terrifies me.

But you know what? That’s okay. I explain my fears to my husband and he reassures me that Olivia will be fine, and how I should just focus on recovering and relaxing when the new baby is here.

Having a close circle of those who are supportive and helpful, will help make your transition a lot easier. If you haven’t found that balance yet, it’s okay. You have plenty of time. And if you’re almost at the finish line still wondering how to find that balance, I hope this blog post helps make your final weeks a little easier to manage.

A mother’s gentleman

Baby Jackson #2 is a boy! Mommy is finally getting her little prince. He will be the perfect addition to our family. Now that we have one of each, we are done having children. Andre and I always wanted 2 kids, and we are happy we get to have a girl and a boy.

I’m so excited to experience a boy. I love that my husband can have his little rough man, and I can have my little lady who loves to shop like mommy does.

My son won’t be like any other man out there. I am going to teach him at a very young age what it’s like to be a gentleman, and what every woman wants from a husband.

So here is a letter to my little gentleman:

My dear and only son,

Soon enough you’ll be making your grand entrance into this world. As I feel your every kick, a smile perks on my face. I am so excited and humbled to be your mommy. I can’t wait to teach you the things of the world, and take you on adventures with your big sister.

There is one thing you should know about the world; it’s ugly. The world is your blank canvas, but there will be people who will try to steal your paint for themselves. Do not fear these people, or any challenge ahead. You will be a strong man, fearless, a warrior. You will take those challenges with pride, and you will conquer them with all of your might. Your daddy is your best example. He never gives up. He never accepts the word “no”. He doesn’t like being told what he can and cannot do. He doesn’t accept defeat. Your daddy is a warrior, a king, a man.

However there is more to this life than getting ahead and conquering challenges.

It’s how to be a gentleman in this world.

Women don’t want a “thug” or a man with “swag”.

Women want a man who is headstrong, independent, respectful, generous, kind, protective, and well educated.

Being a gentleman will get you rewards out of life.

Being a gentleman will open up kindness to the world.

Being a gentleman will be contagious to others.

What is a gentleman?

Well, I’m only your mother; your father will give you a better explanation.

But here is mine:

A gentleman is a man (at any age can you be a gentleman) who holds the door for others behind him.

A gentleman is a man who says please and thank you.

A gentleman is a man who never talks down to a woman, or belittles her, or raises his hand toward her. You will show women grace. You will show women respect. You will show women honor. You will never treat or view women as an object.

A gentleman is a man who is always well dressed, because he knows in order to be the best, he has to dress the part.

A gentleman is a man who speaks properly.

A gentleman is a man who always gives a helping hand, and the tools around his belt to those in need.

A gentleman is a man who prays for his family and his friends.

A gentleman is a man who never asks for anything in return; he just does things out of the kindness of his own heart.

A gentleman is a man who is protective over those he loves.

A gentleman is a man who provides for the family he has made.

A gentleman is a man who is always seeking his next accomplishment; because one accomplishment is never enough.

A gentleman is a man who stays hungry, because he knows he’s never satisfied until he’s exhausted all skills and knowledge.

A gentleman is a man who helps in the kitchen, because it’s not just a place for a woman.

A gentleman is a man who helps clean the house, because it’s not just a woman’s job.

A gentleman is a man who offers the clothes off of his back to anyone to appears cold.

A gentleman is a man who is always gaining more knowledge by reading, and challenging himself to new lengths.

A gentleman is a man who stays humble, regardless of his success.

A gentleman is a man who makes a difference in this world; and I know you will make a big difference.

Don’t just be a gentleman for others, be a gentleman for yourself.

Be the best man that you know how to be, and always keep reaching for something greater than what you were and who you were yesterday.

I promise to be your best example.

I promise to show you how women are supposed to be.

I’ll show you what a true woman is, so that you don’t settle for anything less.

Don’t pay any mind to the girls who just want you for your looks; and don’t pay any mind to girls who make fun of you for having intelligence.

One day you’ll find a woman who compliments you as a man.

One day you’ll find a woman who shows you grace, honor, respect, courtesy, and love.

One day you’ll find a woman, and build a family.

It is your responsibility, as a man, to NOT lead your family; but walk hand in hand with your wife, and lead together.

It is your responsibility to know that women are not beneath you, they are beside you.

Always take your wife’s hand with grace throughout the lessons and journeys of life.

Guide your children to a better world that you helped create.

After all, you are my son; and I know you’ll never fall short of anything you set your mind to.

You are mommy’s little man.

And I can’t wait to explore the world with you.

💙

Savoring Moments

This is the final Christmas that Olivia will spend as an only child. And while I’m excited to be expanding our family, I can’t help but already starting to miss her being my only.

My daughter and I do everything together. We are always going somewhere everyday. Whether it be to the local produce stand, a new adventure, getting food, going shopping, or doing a fun activity; we are always together. She’s my little sidekick.

Now that I am 18 weeks pregnant, I am realizing that my time alone with her is becoming limited. Sure, when the baby is born I’ll make an attempt to have one on one time with Olivia. However in the beginning, my time will be shared. I have no choice but to share my time in the beginning. So I’m savoring all of the little moments I spend with my daughter, while preparing her to be my little helper.

Olivia is growing by the second. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. She is always wanting to show me things, she always hands me books to read, and she is expressing her emotions more than before. As Olivia and I are out and about, I absorb her independence.

I’m not a mom who “hovers” her child while at the playground. Sure I make sure she stays in my sight. But while she’s in my view, I sit back, and let her interact and explore on her own. To me this is very important. We want our kids to explore in their own way, and interact in their own way. I let my kid get dirty, I let her run around like crazy, and I even let her go down the slide alone. Am I crazy? Maybe. But my daughter needs to be a kid and have fun in whatever way she wants to.

Olivia and I go out to eat a lot. And I mean a lot. My husband and I are foodies, and it’s just something we enjoy. I always pack Olivia a lunch and healthy snacks for when we go out. I’ve come to find that spending $7.00 on a kids menu is a waste of money, since half of it ends up on the floor anyways. So while I order my food, she eats the lunch I packed for her. I do however order her a side plate. And I let her choose. Of course at 14 months old she can’t say “I want this”, but I either ask her, or I have her point. I’ll do this by going down the list of side items, and read them out loud. Then I will show her the food items, and say “pick one”. Usually she’ll point. Most of the time though, she nods her head at me as I read them to her. And she usually responds to fruits or potatoes.

I do this because I want my daughter to know how to make her own food choices. We don’t eat unhealthy at home, so I don’t see that being an issue while we are out. I do this so that Olivia can have her own mind on what she wants, likes, and dislikes.

While I teach my daughter independence, I feel happy, rewarded, and proud that my daughter at such a young age can do things on her own (except changing her own diaper and using a spoon or fork). I savor these moments when I teach my daughter colors, shapes, food options, playing on her own, etc. Teaching my daughter things every day is very important to me. Because when her younger sibling arrives, I want her to be able to do things herself, and express herself correctly.

It’s safe to say that my daughter is obsessed with Christmas. From the lights, to the ornaments, to the music; she’s obsessed. Last weekend we were decorating my parent’s Christmas tree, and Olivia had a blast. She admired all of the ornaments, and even helped put them on the tree; although she took more off than she put on. While we were decorating, Christmas music was playing. And like Olivia always does when she hears music, she jams out. Her eyes were filled with Christmas lights, her smile was filled with excitement, and her laugh was filled with so much joy. I realized in that moment that this is her first official Christmas. Last year she was only 3 months old; so this is the year she is really discovering her Christmas spirit.

I loved seeing my daughter enjoy decorating the tree and the Christmas music. I took in all of her smiles, her laughs, and her “wow’s” when she discovered a new ornament. It made me happy to see her so excited. And I got excited in that moment that next Christmas I’ll have 2 kids enjoying Christmas.

This Christmas I’m making it extra special for Olivia. We do something almost every day that is Christmas related. We enjoy Christmas music all throughout the house and when we are in the car. And not to mention, Santa is spoiling her like crazy this year. I want this one to be special because it’s officially her first Christmas, and officially her last as an only child. So I am making sure that she feels extra special this holiday season. Soon enough, we’ll be making Christmas cookies together, and I’m going to let her try each one.

Olivia and I enjoy watching movies together. We watch a movie every morning, and the rest of the day is filled with reading, and activities outside. As Olivia and I watch our morning movie, we share fruit together. Usually it’s grapes, oranges, and apples. Olivia will turn and laugh at me during a funny part of the movie, and she’ll even talk to the characters. Times like these I treasure. This is part of our one on one time together (amongst many other things). But this one in particular, we get to cuddle on the couch, eat a healthy snack, and watch a fun movie. Eventually, I’ll have 2 kids to do this with. And while I’m excited for that to happen, I’m savoring the time I get alone with Olivia.

Most people would think that by the way I’m talking, that I regret getting pregnant with our 2nd. Totally not the case. We are so thrilled, excited, and happy to be expanding our family, and giving our oldest a best friend.

When you become pregnant with your 2nd, you realize that your first will never be your only ever again. You realize your time will be shared, your attention will be divided, and one on one time will be limited (because both will need it). So, you start to appreciate the little moments; and you make them extra special. You realize the moments you’ve been taking for granted, and you stop doing so. You realize how quickly time as passed, and if your first has had enough of your time. Savoring moments with my daughter, just means I’m appreciating them more and more; and not taking them for granted.

There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia will be an amazing big sister. She shares, plays nicely, never hits or shoves other kids, and she’s already helping mommy clean, unload the dishwasher, along with handing me diapers and wipes when she needs changed.

I refuse to be the mother who stops life just because she has multiples. Despite the tantrums, the meltdowns, and dirty diapers, I will still be going on adventures with my 2 kids. And I can’t wait to see Olivia teach her younger sibling what she already knows.

Although I’m beyond excited to have another baby, I’m going to hold onto Olivia being my only for just a little while longer.

A New Beginning

It has been so long since I have written a blog post.

Life has been super crazy. Dealing with a new pregnancy, overcoming my battle with PPD/PPA, raising my daughter, along with making new amazing friends in life.

This blog page was FILLED with entries that described my battles. I have deleted them since they are no longer a part of who I am. And I don’t regret or miss the entries one bit.

Let me recap a little bit on what this year has been like being a first time mom:

Motherhood is amazing, a true blessing. It’s a wonderful miracle to witness my daughter growing every second of every day. Our bond is like no other. She knows I’m her mother. She lights up when I walk in the room, she calls my name at least 100 times a day, she’s always wanting to show me things, read to me, help me with chores around the house, you name it.

Our daughter turned 1 on 9/30/2017. It was an amazing, heartfelt, surreal day. We were surrounded by great friends and family. Her theme was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She’s been sleeping to that song since she was born, so it was very symbolic and personal. The day was surreal because I couldn’t believe I have been a mom for a full year (well 1 year and 9 months if you count pregnancy; which I do)! I was so happy to be given the gift of raising such a beautiful little girl.

Olivia is the happiest little girl. She’s always smiling, laughing, dancing, she loves to read (well she looks at pictures), she loves to share and play with others, she is always trying to show people what she sees; she’s just a delight and a precious treasure.

She has been walking and running around for quite some time now; making life more fun and exhausting. I love seeing her run over to something she finds interesting and cool. I love seeing her explore on her own. It’s an incredible thing to witness; an innocent child walking the paths that lead to a tree, an animal, a playground, a store, etc.

Early this year I suffered major PPD/PPA. I suffered anxiety attacks no less than 4 times per week. The attacks would leave me confused, foggy, and detached. My PPD led me to contemplate suicide almost every day. I wasn’t the mother I wanted to be, and I wasn’t the wife I wanted to be. I was medicated, and dependent on the feeling of being numb.

Eventually I woke up one day and decided to snap out of it. I couldn’t live like that anymore. Yes, I went about life pretending I was okay, but deep down I was drowning.

I gave myself a hard look in the mirror and told myself that nobody can control my life but me. I told myself pills won’t fix me, therapy won’t fix me; only I can fix me. That was the day I decided I didn’t want to keep taking my medication. Something inside of me told me to just stop all of it. This all took place in early August.

My husband and I decided to try for a baby around the same time I had this new found revelation. We told each other “let’s just try for a week and see what happens”. We agreed that if I didn’t get pregnant, that we would try later in 2018. I took a pregnancy test late August. It was negative. We accepted the results, and went about our lives.

Mid September came, but my unfriendly visitor didn’t. I thought it was just because I started back on birth control; and it made my cycle all out of wack. So I didn’t think much of it. However I did have an extra pregnancy test laying around my bathroom cabinet. I decided to use it, since they’re not cheap and I didn’t want to throw it away.

I waited for the results to appear, and it took longer than expected; usually this means it isn’t going to be negative. I waited and waited, and then I saw a big YES on the screen. My heart sunk. I couldn’t believe it. I had just taken a test and it said NO! How could this be?

I went into my the spare bathroom where my husband was giving our daughter a bath. I hesitantly showed him the pregnancy test. His reaction was shock. We had accepted that we weren’t going to try to get pregnant for a while, and here we find out that we are expecting. I cried in his arms. He wondered why I was so emotional. I told him I didn’t think I was ready, and that I already felt guilty for taking time away from our daughter. He assured me that we are ready for this baby and that I will be an amazing mom of two kids, and that our daughter won’t ever feel unloved. I was so happy by his support, I never felt guilty since then.

When the Dr confirmed my pregnancy, I decided to quit my medications cold turkey. I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to be medicated anymore, and it was because I was unknowingly brewing a baby.

The withdrawals lasted a month, and they were far from easy. I wouldn’t wish the awful experience on my worst enemy. I suffered nausea, insomnia, cold sweats, shakes, migraines, vertigo, dizziness, muscle aches; I suffered for a month. My husband was so supportive and helpful during this time. He made sure I was as comfortable as I could be, he took care of our daughter, and he kept telling me I would pull through this.

After the withdrawals, I felt a fire radiating through my entire body. I felt stronger in every way possible; mentally, physically, and emotionally. I felt an overwhelming freedom and joy every single day for weeks on end. I felt reborn. I felt alive. I was the mother I wanted to be, and the wife I wanted to be.

I reflected a lot on my depression and anxiety. I realized I wasn’t putting it on myself, but that it was others who were putting it on me.

I was trying to live up to other people’s expectations on the mother they wanted me to be. I lived off of their “shoulds” and “needs” rather than my own. I realized I was caving into the pressure of trying to be what THEY thought was a perfect mother.

I decided to choose my friends more wisely. I cut many from my life. The friends I thought were friends were people who would put pressure on me, who were tit for tat, not humble or genuine; just not what a true definition of a friend is.

The friends I’ve kept around are the best ones I can have. They’re supportive, accepting, they are there in a heartbeat, they love my daughter; they’re true friends who I hold in a special place. They were there during my rough patches, and never once blamed me for being distant due to my past illness.

Since I’ve been reborn, I am quick to put people in their place who try to tell me what to do or how to parent. No matter who it is. I am DONE taking advice and guidance from others. I am my daughter’s mother. I am my husband’s wife. I know who I am and how I want to fulfill motherhood, and I know how to be a wife. I’ve been called selfish and rude for this new way of acting; but you know what? I don’t care. When I did care, I was popping prescribed medication. Now that I don’t care how others perceive me, or how they want me to be, I’m much happier.

I am due May 2018. My husband and I are super excited for our new addition. Our daughter will be 20 months old by the time this baby is born; and we are so excited that they’ll be so close in age. I am soaking up every minute I have with my daughter, because soon enough she will have to share her mommy. I will never love my daughter less, not show her attention, not involve her; she will know her role as big sister and she will be amazing. I’m excited for her to be a big sister. She’s already a tremendous help. I have no doubt that she will be amazing as a big sister.

I am that mom who doesn’t let fear or worry stand in her way. I’m not afraid to take my daughter places. We go somewhere every day of the week together. We go shopping, to the park, to restaurants, museums, zoos; we do it all together. I refuse to be a mom of 2 who doesn’t go anywhere due to “it being harder”. My kids don’t deserve a mom who doesn’t do anything, doesn’t go anywhere, doesn’t take her kids on adventures. No way! My kids deserve a mom who lets them experience life, takes them on new adventures, my kids deserve it all.

My husband and I are starting to do things to our home. Finally! After almost 2 years of living here, we are brainstorming ideas and putting together the pieces little by little!

I value my home. I take pride in the home we share together. I want it to represent serenity and comfort. I want people to come over and feel warm and welcomed by the home my husband and I created together. I’m already putting my personal touches in each room. It’ll take time but at least I’ve started!

I am still a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is a lot of work and responsibility. Eventually I’ll return to work, but no time soon. Eventually I’ll finish my Masters Degree in Psychology; if that’s even still a passion of mine if I decide to go back to school. School is very up in the air for me. I’ve realized that I don’t need to go into more debt to make a good living for my family. My husband also has a steady, well paying job. He keeps moving up in the company. There’s no rush or need for me to pursue work. When my kids go off to school, I’ll find something to occupy my time. Right now, my kids are my time and deserve every second of it.

I have no fear about suffering PPD/PPA again after this baby. I feel like I now know what to do, what and who to avoid, and the signs to prevent me from becoming a victim of the illness. I consider this pregnancy a new beginning. To be a new me, a better me, and to look at life with a clear mind and a bigger heart.

I now only surround myself by those who are uplifting, positive, reliable, dependable, loving and caring. I only surround myself around those who have no fear living life. I surround myself by those who make time for my friendship, and value me as a friend and what I have to offer. I only surround myself by positivity and love.

Motherhood isn’t easy. And I’m sure I will face times where I wonder if I am doing anything right. But I feel like the hardest part is already behind me. I was weak, and a prisoner of an illness that invaded my body. Now, I am strong, and I don’t let anything negative or toxic consume my mind or my soul. I’m a new person. I’m a new mom. I’m a new wife. And I’m just getting started.

The Final Cleanse

Motherhood is a constant up and down roller coaster, but I love every minute of it.

I love watching my daughter grow, hearing her laugh, watching her explore new adventures, seeing her eat new foods, all of the wonders that life has to offer.

Sure, I suffer an illness. An illness so common, that women who have children are afraid to discuss.

I am constantly at war with myself, but I’m happy, I’m still alive, and I’m still a good mother to my daughter.

I am medicated, but it doesn’t change who I am, or what I do; it just keeps the evil at bay.

I’ve decided to take a big step, not only for me; but for my daughter and my husband.

I have decided to get re baptized this Sunday.

I was baptized as an infant; a lot has happened since then.

I was a troubled teenager, I lost my way, I found my way, and lost my way, the list goes on.

My husband and I found a great church, and before we had our daughter, we went twice a week. Now that she’s born, we are lucky if we make it 2 times a month!

Dealing with anxiety, depression, OCD, and PTSD; makes it very hard to get out of the house, or even get out of bed every day. 

My illness has caused me to slip away from the hand of God, and His path.

I’ve let the evil swallow me, overshadow me, live in me, become me.

I have prayed for God to help, I got no answer. 

Or maybe He did give me an answer, but the evil sewed my ears and my eyes shut.

I’ve let this consume me for far too long, and there’s only one more thing left to do.

I need to be free, to feel everything wash away, to feel the evil leaving my veins, to feel the shadows leaving my mind.

I need to be washed away, I need to fully surrender, I need to leave my troubles and evil behind me and be made new.

The only weapon I have left, is the Holy water overtaking my body.

In that water, is God’s spirit pulling evil out of my veins like a weed in the mud. One by one he pulls away. It’s painful because the evil has lived in me for so long, it has roots, and sticks to me like a leech. But I know I need them out of me, so I focus on the water against my skin.

 He is clearing the shadows of my mind like how the sun comes to light after a storm. He is giving me new blood, new eyes, a new tongue, a new soul.

I feel the water washing over me like a tidal wave.

The current is getting stronger as God works his miracle.

I come out of the water.

I cry in relief, I can’t control this.

My skin is new, it’s soft.

My eyes are clear, no more haze.

My mind is bright, no more shadows.

My body is free, no more shackles and chains.

Hopefully this stays with me. 

Because once evil feels that it’s host is onto the right path, it quickly jumps at the skin and seeps down into the veins; and we are back to square one.

This is my fight, my last chance, my way out, my freedom.

This is the final battle.

This is the cleanse that washes away the old me, and the evil remains in the water while the free me walks away with God’s shield over me.

I don’t dry myself off, I close my eyes and focus on each drop that hits the floor beneath my feet.

The more drops, the more freedom.

The more drops, the less evil.

The more drops, the more God is instilled in me.

The more drops, the better mom I am.

The more drops, the better wife I am.

The more drops, the better me I am.

My hair is wet, my clothes are soaked.

I take a look in the mirror and see how raw this cleanse has left me.

I am made new.

A Mother’s Growth

I’m just amazed in not only my daughter’s growth, but my growth as a mother.

I have confidence, and peace of mind, knowing that I can lay her down wide awake and walk away; knowing that she’ll eventually put herself to sleep.

Sure, she sometimes fights sleep; and the old me would have never let her squirm or make a sound.
I would have rushed inside her room at the smallest sound.
In fact, I would have never put her down when she was wide awake.
But now, I know the difference in my daughter’s cries and whimpers.

Now I can lay her down, knowing it’s time for her to take a nap, or go to bed for the night.
I put her on her tummy, pull the blanket up to her little booty, I kiss her on the head and say “goodnight sweet angel”.
I turn on her musical lamb, turn on her stars, turn off the lights, and I shut the door.

I now have the confidence in being her mommy.
Sure I worry every day, all day.
Sure I panic 93.9% of the time.
Sure I’m wondering if I’m at all doing a good job.
Sure I fear if I’ve shown my daughter enough love and attention during the day.

But there’s one thing I know for sure; and that’s that I’ve conquered the battles of nap time and bed time.