Savoring Moments

This is the final Christmas that Olivia will spend as an only child. And while I’m excited to be expanding our family, I can’t help but already starting to miss her being my only.

My daughter and I do everything together. We are always going somewhere everyday. Whether it be to the local produce stand, a new adventure, getting food, going shopping, or doing a fun activity; we are always together. She’s my little sidekick.

Now that I am 18 weeks pregnant, I am realizing that my time alone with her is becoming limited. Sure, when the baby is born I’ll make an attempt to have one on one time with Olivia. However in the beginning, my time will be shared. I have no choice but to share my time in the beginning. So I’m savoring all of the little moments I spend with my daughter, while preparing her to be my little helper.

Olivia is growing by the second. Both mentally, physically, and emotionally. She is always wanting to show me things, she always hands me books to read, and she is expressing her emotions more than before. As Olivia and I are out and about, I absorb her independence.

I’m not a mom who “hovers” her child while at the playground. Sure I make sure she stays in my sight. But while she’s in my view, I sit back, and let her interact and explore on her own. To me this is very important. We want our kids to explore in their own way, and interact in their own way. I let my kid get dirty, I let her run around like crazy, and I even let her go down the slide alone. Am I crazy? Maybe. But my daughter needs to be a kid and have fun in whatever way she wants to.

Olivia and I go out to eat a lot. And I mean a lot. My husband and I are foodies, and it’s just something we enjoy. I always pack Olivia a lunch and healthy snacks for when we go out. I’ve come to find that spending $7.00 on a kids menu is a waste of money, since half of it ends up on the floor anyways. So while I order my food, she eats the lunch I packed for her. I do however order her a side plate. And I let her choose. Of course at 14 months old she can’t say “I want this”, but I either ask her, or I have her point. I’ll do this by going down the list of side items, and read them out loud. Then I will show her the food items, and say “pick one”. Usually she’ll point. Most of the time though, she nods her head at me as I read them to her. And she usually responds to fruits or potatoes.

I do this because I want my daughter to know how to make her own food choices. We don’t eat unhealthy at home, so I don’t see that being an issue while we are out. I do this so that Olivia can have her own mind on what she wants, likes, and dislikes.

While I teach my daughter independence, I feel happy, rewarded, and proud that my daughter at such a young age can do things on her own (except changing her own diaper and using a spoon or fork). I savor these moments when I teach my daughter colors, shapes, food options, playing on her own, etc. Teaching my daughter things every day is very important to me. Because when her younger sibling arrives, I want her to be able to do things herself, and express herself correctly.

It’s safe to say that my daughter is obsessed with Christmas. From the lights, to the ornaments, to the music; she’s obsessed. Last weekend we were decorating my parent’s Christmas tree, and Olivia had a blast. She admired all of the ornaments, and even helped put them on the tree; although she took more off than she put on. While we were decorating, Christmas music was playing. And like Olivia always does when she hears music, she jams out. Her eyes were filled with Christmas lights, her smile was filled with excitement, and her laugh was filled with so much joy. I realized in that moment that this is her first official Christmas. Last year she was only 3 months old; so this is the year she is really discovering her Christmas spirit.

I loved seeing my daughter enjoy decorating the tree and the Christmas music. I took in all of her smiles, her laughs, and her “wow’s” when she discovered a new ornament. It made me happy to see her so excited. And I got excited in that moment that next Christmas I’ll have 2 kids enjoying Christmas.

This Christmas I’m making it extra special for Olivia. We do something almost every day that is Christmas related. We enjoy Christmas music all throughout the house and when we are in the car. And not to mention, Santa is spoiling her like crazy this year. I want this one to be special because it’s officially her first Christmas, and officially her last as an only child. So I am making sure that she feels extra special this holiday season. Soon enough, we’ll be making Christmas cookies together, and I’m going to let her try each one.

Olivia and I enjoy watching movies together. We watch a movie every morning, and the rest of the day is filled with reading, and activities outside. As Olivia and I watch our morning movie, we share fruit together. Usually it’s grapes, oranges, and apples. Olivia will turn and laugh at me during a funny part of the movie, and she’ll even talk to the characters. Times like these I treasure. This is part of our one on one time together (amongst many other things). But this one in particular, we get to cuddle on the couch, eat a healthy snack, and watch a fun movie. Eventually, I’ll have 2 kids to do this with. And while I’m excited for that to happen, I’m savoring the time I get alone with Olivia.

Most people would think that by the way I’m talking, that I regret getting pregnant with our 2nd. Totally not the case. We are so thrilled, excited, and happy to be expanding our family, and giving our oldest a best friend.

When you become pregnant with your 2nd, you realize that your first will never be your only ever again. You realize your time will be shared, your attention will be divided, and one on one time will be limited (because both will need it). So, you start to appreciate the little moments; and you make them extra special. You realize the moments you’ve been taking for granted, and you stop doing so. You realize how quickly time as passed, and if your first has had enough of your time. Savoring moments with my daughter, just means I’m appreciating them more and more; and not taking them for granted.

There is no doubt in my mind that Olivia will be an amazing big sister. She shares, plays nicely, never hits or shoves other kids, and she’s already helping mommy clean, unload the dishwasher, along with handing me diapers and wipes when she needs changed.

I refuse to be the mother who stops life just because she has multiples. Despite the tantrums, the meltdowns, and dirty diapers, I will still be going on adventures with my 2 kids. And I can’t wait to see Olivia teach her younger sibling what she already knows.

Although I’m beyond excited to have another baby, I’m going to hold onto Olivia being my only for just a little while longer.

The Final Cleanse

Motherhood is a constant up and down roller coaster, but I love every minute of it.

I love watching my daughter grow, hearing her laugh, watching her explore new adventures, seeing her eat new foods, all of the wonders that life has to offer.

Sure, I suffer an illness. An illness so common, that women who have children are afraid to discuss.

I am constantly at war with myself, but I’m happy, I’m still alive, and I’m still a good mother to my daughter.

I am medicated, but it doesn’t change who I am, or what I do; it just keeps the evil at bay.

I’ve decided to take a big step, not only for me; but for my daughter and my husband.

I have decided to get re baptized this Sunday.

I was baptized as an infant; a lot has happened since then.

I was a troubled teenager, I lost my way, I found my way, and lost my way, the list goes on.

My husband and I found a great church, and before we had our daughter, we went twice a week. Now that she’s born, we are lucky if we make it 2 times a month!

Dealing with anxiety, depression, OCD, and PTSD; makes it very hard to get out of the house, or even get out of bed every day. 

My illness has caused me to slip away from the hand of God, and His path.

I’ve let the evil swallow me, overshadow me, live in me, become me.

I have prayed for God to help, I got no answer. 

Or maybe He did give me an answer, but the evil sewed my ears and my eyes shut.

I’ve let this consume me for far too long, and there’s only one more thing left to do.

I need to be free, to feel everything wash away, to feel the evil leaving my veins, to feel the shadows leaving my mind.

I need to be washed away, I need to fully surrender, I need to leave my troubles and evil behind me and be made new.

The only weapon I have left, is the Holy water overtaking my body.

In that water, is God’s spirit pulling evil out of my veins like a weed in the mud. One by one he pulls away. It’s painful because the evil has lived in me for so long, it has roots, and sticks to me like a leech. But I know I need them out of me, so I focus on the water against my skin.

 He is clearing the shadows of my mind like how the sun comes to light after a storm. He is giving me new blood, new eyes, a new tongue, a new soul.

I feel the water washing over me like a tidal wave.

The current is getting stronger as God works his miracle.

I come out of the water.

I cry in relief, I can’t control this.

My skin is new, it’s soft.

My eyes are clear, no more haze.

My mind is bright, no more shadows.

My body is free, no more shackles and chains.

Hopefully this stays with me. 

Because once evil feels that it’s host is onto the right path, it quickly jumps at the skin and seeps down into the veins; and we are back to square one.

This is my fight, my last chance, my way out, my freedom.

This is the final battle.

This is the cleanse that washes away the old me, and the evil remains in the water while the free me walks away with God’s shield over me.

I don’t dry myself off, I close my eyes and focus on each drop that hits the floor beneath my feet.

The more drops, the more freedom.

The more drops, the less evil.

The more drops, the more God is instilled in me.

The more drops, the better mom I am.

The more drops, the better wife I am.

The more drops, the better me I am.

My hair is wet, my clothes are soaked.

I take a look in the mirror and see how raw this cleanse has left me.

I am made new.

A Mother’s Growth

I’m just amazed in not only my daughter’s growth, but my growth as a mother.

I have confidence, and peace of mind, knowing that I can lay her down wide awake and walk away; knowing that she’ll eventually put herself to sleep.

Sure, she sometimes fights sleep; and the old me would have never let her squirm or make a sound.
I would have rushed inside her room at the smallest sound.
In fact, I would have never put her down when she was wide awake.
But now, I know the difference in my daughter’s cries and whimpers.

Now I can lay her down, knowing it’s time for her to take a nap, or go to bed for the night.
I put her on her tummy, pull the blanket up to her little booty, I kiss her on the head and say “goodnight sweet angel”.
I turn on her musical lamb, turn on her stars, turn off the lights, and I shut the door.

I now have the confidence in being her mommy.
Sure I worry every day, all day.
Sure I panic 93.9% of the time.
Sure I’m wondering if I’m at all doing a good job.
Sure I fear if I’ve shown my daughter enough love and attention during the day.

But there’s one thing I know for sure; and that’s that I’ve conquered the battles of nap time and bed time.